1.
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
2.
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
3.
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
4.
Three nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.”
intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.”
said the first nun.
“oh that’s nothing said the second one, i found protections in one of his drawers.”
said the second one.
“what did u do with them.”
said the first nun.
pridefully the second nun responds with,” i poked holes in all of them.”
and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
Frank went to the gym
Three nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.”
intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.”
said the first nun.
“oh that’s nothing said the second one, i found protections in one of his drawers.”
said the second one.
“what did u do with them.”
said the first nun.
pridefully the second nun responds with,” i poked holes in all of them.”
and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
Frank went to the gym
5.
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
6.
A man asks a farmer near a field,
As He is in hurry,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A man well into his seventies asks his wife
A man asks a farmer near a field,
As He is in hurry,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A man well into his seventies asks his wife
7.
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call asap, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor.
Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call and now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily.
The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”.
Doctors cannot prolong lives go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace.
“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery and now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
A car accident
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery.
He answered the call asap, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor.
Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call and now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”
“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily.
The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”.
Doctors cannot prolong lives go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace.
“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank goodness!, your son is saved!”
And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running.
“If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery and now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
A car accident
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
8.
She never took an interest in religious studies, and usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
“Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A wood-chopping contest
She never took an interest in religious studies, and usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
“Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A wood-chopping contest
9.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her:
“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her:
“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
10.
A beggar was given a piece of bread, but nothing to put on it.
Hoping to get something to go with his bread, he went to a nearby inn and asked for a handout.
The innkeeper turned him away with nothing, but the beggar sneaked into the kitchen where he saw a large pot of soup cooking over the fire.
He held his piece of bread over the steaming pot, hoping to thus capture a bit of flavor from the good-smelling vapor.
Suddenly the innkeeper seized him by the arm and accused him of stealing soup.
“I took no soup,” said the beggar.
“I was only smelling the vapor.”
“Then you must pay for the smell,” answered the innkeeper.
The poor beggar had no money, so the angry innkeeper dragged him before the qadi.
Now Nasreddin Hodja was at that time serving as qadi, and he heard the innkeeper’s complaint and the beggar’s explanation.
“So you demand payment for the smell of your soup?” summarized the Hodja after the hearing.
“Yes!” insisted the innkeeper.
“Then I myself will pay you,” said the Hodja, “and I will pay for the smell of your soup with the sound of money.”
Thus saying, the Hodja drew two coins from his pocket, rang them together loudly, put them back into his pocket, and sent the beggar and the innkeeper each on his own way.
A Priest & A Lawyer
The parts wanted to be Boss
A beggar was given a piece of bread, but nothing to put on it.
Hoping to get something to go with his bread, he went to a nearby inn and asked for a handout.
The innkeeper turned him away with nothing, but the beggar sneaked into the kitchen where he saw a large pot of soup cooking over the fire.
He held his piece of bread over the steaming pot, hoping to thus capture a bit of flavor from the good-smelling vapor.
Suddenly the innkeeper seized him by the arm and accused him of stealing soup.
“I took no soup,” said the beggar.
“I was only smelling the vapor.”
“Then you must pay for the smell,” answered the innkeeper.
The poor beggar had no money, so the angry innkeeper dragged him before the qadi.
Now Nasreddin Hodja was at that time serving as qadi, and he heard the innkeeper’s complaint and the beggar’s explanation.
“So you demand payment for the smell of your soup?” summarized the Hodja after the hearing.
“Yes!” insisted the innkeeper.
“Then I myself will pay you,” said the Hodja, “and I will pay for the smell of your soup with the sound of money.”
Thus saying, the Hodja drew two coins from his pocket, rang them together loudly, put them back into his pocket, and sent the beggar and the innkeeper each on his own way.
A Priest & A Lawyer
The parts wanted to be Boss
📚 Recommended Posts
Cheer Up Instantly Jokes For Happier DayThere Was Engineer Who Had Funny Jokes
Funniest One Liners Quick Laughs For
Laugh Out Loud Central Your Daily
A Man And His Wife Were Having Funny
11.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
12.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
13.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
14.
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
15.
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
16.
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining,
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!”
Two men at a bus stop
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining,
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!”
Two men at a bus stop
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
17.
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
18.
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
19.
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a undressed beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
My wife told me to go to the doctors
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a undressed beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
My wife told me to go to the doctors
20.
A man shops for groceries with his wife.
The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.
“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”
Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case back on the shelf.
In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” the man asks.
“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful.” she replies.
“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
Johnny and his family were having dinner
A man shops for groceries with his wife.
The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.
“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”
Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case back on the shelf.
In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” the man asks.
“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful.” she replies.
“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
Johnny and his family were having dinner
📚 Recommended Posts
A Blonde Is Very Upset At People FunnyWitty Wonders Funniest Jokes For Smart
The Story Began When I Was Child Funny
A Pastor Who Shall We Say Was Funny
Never Ending Laughs Jokes That Always
21.
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
22.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a leathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”
To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
A old man is in the surgery
A boy takes his girlfriend home
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a leathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”
To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
A old man is in the surgery
A boy takes his girlfriend home
23.
I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to car as about to get in after leaving the casino.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their melons almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
“No” and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start make love with each other.
Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs make love on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday… Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
Cop knocks on the window
I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to car as about to get in after leaving the casino.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their melons almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
“No” and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start make love with each other.
Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs make love on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday… Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
Cop knocks on the window
24.
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
25.
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this new bar,” he says.
“The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your phone last night!”
A guy has been asking girl
Two men went bear hunting
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this new bar,” he says.
“The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your phone last night!”
A guy has been asking girl
Two men went bear hunting
26.
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
27.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
28.
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
29.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Bidding at a local auction
A lawyer’s dog
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Bidding at a local auction
A lawyer’s dog
30.
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving
Two women were playing golf.
On the third hole there was a men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i’ll tee off he is far enough away.
She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway.
She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.”
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side.
She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
“How does that feel?” she asked.
He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Mrs. Parks asked her class
A elderly couple was driving