1.
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”
This guy knocks on a door
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”
This guy knocks on a door
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
2.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining
A baby turtle was standing
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining
A baby turtle was standing
3.
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.”
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!”
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
At the first house the owner said
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.”
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!”
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
At the first house the owner said
4.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
5.
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
6.
He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts.
He goes to the head monk, “If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error.”
The head monk replies, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern.”
So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.
Hours later no-one has seen him and they begin to get worried.
They send a monk to the cellar to check on him.
He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text.
He asks the head monk, “What’s wrong? What did you find?”
The head monk looks at him with pain in his eyes,
“It says celebrate!”
A Burglar Invades A House
A man stopped at a flower shop
He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts.
He goes to the head monk, “If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error.”
The head monk replies, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern.”
So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.
Hours later no-one has seen him and they begin to get worried.
They send a monk to the cellar to check on him.
He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text.
He asks the head monk, “What’s wrong? What did you find?”
The head monk looks at him with pain in his eyes,
“It says celebrate!”
A Burglar Invades A House
A man stopped at a flower shop
7.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.”
The man continues, “We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”.
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said:
“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
The boy had nails into the fence
The big Alligator
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.”
The man continues, “We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”.
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said:
“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
The boy had nails into the fence
The big Alligator
8.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
9.
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
10.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
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11.
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
A man went to his lawyer and told
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
A man went to his lawyer and told
12.
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.
They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old’ days.”
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow sitting next to him and said, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy said.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson maybe for our 50th anniversary, I’ll go down there and get her.”
A blind man walks into a restaurant
A very complicated operation
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.
They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old’ days.”
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow sitting next to him and said, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy said.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson maybe for our 50th anniversary, I’ll go down there and get her.”
A blind man walks into a restaurant
A very complicated operation
13.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
14.
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”
“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
The man checked his speed legged chicken
The trooper walks up
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”
“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
The man checked his speed legged chicken
The trooper walks up
15.
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
16.
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
17.
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I’ll see you here back in court on Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this.”
The woman had two female parrots
The truck driver stopped
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I’ll see you here back in court on Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this.”
The woman had two female parrots
The truck driver stopped
18.
Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.
I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
I say I’m a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
A old man and a young man
The town champion went to the Zen master
Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.
I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
I say I’m a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
A old man and a young man
The town champion went to the Zen master
19.
There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Baptist minister.
One day the priest went to get a hair cut.
After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him.
The barber said, “Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.”
So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.
Well the rabbi came for a hair cut.
Again the barber said, Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.
So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.
Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut.
Again the barber said, Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.
Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.
Hey lady, you are really ugly
How Much Land Does a Man Need
There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Baptist minister.
One day the priest went to get a hair cut.
After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him.
The barber said, “Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.”
So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.
Well the rabbi came for a hair cut.
Again the barber said, Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.
So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.
Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut.
Again the barber said, Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.
Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.
Hey lady, you are really ugly
How Much Land Does a Man Need
20.
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says: “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered: “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says: “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
A teacher was teaching her class
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says: “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered: “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says: “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
A teacher was teaching her class
Two men are working on a telephone pole
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21.
Late one night, paramedics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital, suspecting a massive heart attack.
The medical team worked tirelessly through the night and well into the morning, finally stabilizing him and moving him to the Intensive Care Unit for ongoing treatment.
After a few days of recovery, Mr. Steinberg’s doctor visited him with great news.
“Sol, I’m thrilled to tell you that your heart is in remarkable shape—just like when you were 15! You’re being discharged tomorrow, and you can resume any physical activity you enjoy without worrying about your heart.”
Excited to return home, Mr. Steinberg eagerly shared the news with his wife that evening.
“Doris, you won’t believe this! I’m perfectly healthy. No heart problems whatsoever! Tonight, my darling, we’re going to have the most passionate, wild lovemaking you’ve ever experienced!”
Doris paused thoughtfully before responding. “I’m not so sure, Sol. I’ve heard about the risks of intense physical activity with heart conditions. If something happened to you, I’d feel awful. Maybe… if your doctor wrote me a note confirming it’s safe, I might consider it.”
Disheartened but determined, Mr. Steinberg visited his doctor the following day.
Dr. Katz cheerfully agreed. “Of course, Sol! I’ll write it up for you right now.”
He scribbled on his prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, my patient, is in excellent health with the heart function of a 15-year-old. He may engage in passionate, adventurous intimacy whenever he desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’
As he prepared the note, the doctor asked, “By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s name?”
After a brief hesitation, Mr. Steinberg replied sheepishly, “Uh, Doctor, could you just address it, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
Late one night, paramedics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital, suspecting a massive heart attack.
The medical team worked tirelessly through the night and well into the morning, finally stabilizing him and moving him to the Intensive Care Unit for ongoing treatment.
After a few days of recovery, Mr. Steinberg’s doctor visited him with great news.
“Sol, I’m thrilled to tell you that your heart is in remarkable shape—just like when you were 15! You’re being discharged tomorrow, and you can resume any physical activity you enjoy without worrying about your heart.”
Excited to return home, Mr. Steinberg eagerly shared the news with his wife that evening.
“Doris, you won’t believe this! I’m perfectly healthy. No heart problems whatsoever! Tonight, my darling, we’re going to have the most passionate, wild lovemaking you’ve ever experienced!”
Doris paused thoughtfully before responding. “I’m not so sure, Sol. I’ve heard about the risks of intense physical activity with heart conditions. If something happened to you, I’d feel awful. Maybe… if your doctor wrote me a note confirming it’s safe, I might consider it.”
Disheartened but determined, Mr. Steinberg visited his doctor the following day.
Dr. Katz cheerfully agreed. “Of course, Sol! I’ll write it up for you right now.”
He scribbled on his prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, my patient, is in excellent health with the heart function of a 15-year-old. He may engage in passionate, adventurous intimacy whenever he desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’
As he prepared the note, the doctor asked, “By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s name?”
After a brief hesitation, Mr. Steinberg replied sheepishly, “Uh, Doctor, could you just address it, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
22.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her a few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens on the fifth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, nice woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: “If you catch me you can have me.”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone – “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies,”I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:
“I’m Ronald If I catch you, you’re mine…”
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
Two well-dressed ladies
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her a few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens on the fifth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, nice woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: “If you catch me you can have me.”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone – “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies,”I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:
“I’m Ronald If I catch you, you’re mine…”
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
Two well-dressed ladies
23.
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
24.
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches it to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his willy.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”
“No…it’s turned black.”
A man and his wife are travelling through
A guy gets home late one night
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches it to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his willy.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”
“No…it’s turned black.”
A man and his wife are travelling through
A guy gets home late one night
25.
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
26.
A guy asked a girl in the library.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice.
“I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice.
“$200 just for one night? That’s too much”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears.
I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”
She gets out of bed
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
A guy asked a girl in the library.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice.
“I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice.
“$200 just for one night? That’s too much”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears.
I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”
She gets out of bed
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
27.
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
28.
An 87 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season but one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle and do you know what happened?” the doctor asked.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor replied, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”
A young woman visiting her new doctor
Mick Says To Paddy
An 87 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season but one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle and do you know what happened?” the doctor asked.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor replied, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”
A young woman visiting her new doctor
Mick Says To Paddy
29.
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
30.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade