1.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late
2.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
3.
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.
“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”
Thirty seconds later Bob came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob.
“Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”
A man named Marty called his son
Marry was truly a religious woman
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.
“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”
Thirty seconds later Bob came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob.
“Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”
A man named Marty called his son
Marry was truly a religious woman
4.
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
5.
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small what room are they for?”
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”
A guy and a girl met at a bar
A young lad was visiting a church
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small what room are they for?”
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”
A guy and a girl met at a bar
A young lad was visiting a church
6.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
7.
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
8.
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
9.
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
10.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
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11.
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
12.
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
13.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
14.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
15.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
16.
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
17.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
18.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
19.
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
20.
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.
“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
The teacher asked the class
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.
“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
The teacher asked the class
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21.
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
22.
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far.
Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this n*de statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, “Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
Wife says, “Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall.”
A woman goes to her doctor
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far.
Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this n*de statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, “Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
Wife says, “Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall.”
A woman goes to her doctor
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
23.
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that crap-eatin’ grin off your face.”
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that crap-eatin’ grin off your face.”
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
24.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Two men were walking home
She walks straight to the manager and asks
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Two men were walking home
She walks straight to the manager and asks
25.
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
26.
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
A guy comes home completely drunk
Three boys are in the schoolyard
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
A guy comes home completely drunk
Three boys are in the schoolyard
27.
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
28.
A young blonde with a coach ticket went up and sat down in the first class section of a plane going from Tampa to Los Angles.
The airline hostess said I’m sorry miss but you have to sit in the coach section.
The blonde replied ” I’m blonde and beautiful and I’m going to LA ” She wouldn’t move.
Finally the first officer came up and whispered in her ear.
The blonde jumped up and ran back to coach.
The stewardess asked the first officer what he said to the blonde.
I told her First Class doesn’t stop in LA.
A blonde was out driving her car ran into a truck
A cab driver picked up a nun
A young blonde with a coach ticket went up and sat down in the first class section of a plane going from Tampa to Los Angles.
The airline hostess said I’m sorry miss but you have to sit in the coach section.
The blonde replied ” I’m blonde and beautiful and I’m going to LA ” She wouldn’t move.
Finally the first officer came up and whispered in her ear.
The blonde jumped up and ran back to coach.
The stewardess asked the first officer what he said to the blonde.
I told her First Class doesn’t stop in LA.
A blonde was out driving her car ran into a truck
A cab driver picked up a nun
29.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
30.
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift