1.
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
2.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
3.
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
A mother comes home from work
A man and a woman are sleeping
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
A mother comes home from work
A man and a woman are sleeping
4.
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
5.
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
6.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
7.
A man’s favorite donkey falls into a deep precipice.
He can’t pull it out no matter how hard he tries.
He therefore decides to bury it alive.
Soil is poured onto the donkey from above, The donkey feels the load, shakes it off, and steps on it more soil is poured.
It shakes it off and steps up.
The more the load was poured, the higher it rose by noon, the donkey was grazing in green pastures.
We may not be able to control the external situations or external people.
But we can control our internal perspectives.
In the course of this UPSC journey we may get negative things from many sides.
Sometimes, people will stand firmly to make sure you are buried into the failures.
They try every possible way to pull you down but you should use them as your stepping stones.
Try to find possibilities of hope in every negative situation and from every negative person.
Because, we have to WIN this game.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
At deer camp
A man’s favorite donkey falls into a deep precipice.
He can’t pull it out no matter how hard he tries.
He therefore decides to bury it alive.
Soil is poured onto the donkey from above, The donkey feels the load, shakes it off, and steps on it more soil is poured.
It shakes it off and steps up.
The more the load was poured, the higher it rose by noon, the donkey was grazing in green pastures.
We may not be able to control the external situations or external people.
But we can control our internal perspectives.
In the course of this UPSC journey we may get negative things from many sides.
Sometimes, people will stand firmly to make sure you are buried into the failures.
They try every possible way to pull you down but you should use them as your stepping stones.
Try to find possibilities of hope in every negative situation and from every negative person.
Because, we have to WIN this game.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
At deer camp
8.
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
9.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
10.
A man returned home earlier than usual.
His son met him, very upset, and crying, “Daddy, there’s a monster in your bedroom.”
“There’s a what?”
“A monster. And he’s hidden in mummy’s wardrobe.”
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door.
Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
“Twenty years, you’ve been my friend,” bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, “And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy.”
The old man says to the woman
A boy asked his father a question
A man returned home earlier than usual.
His son met him, very upset, and crying, “Daddy, there’s a monster in your bedroom.”
“There’s a what?”
“A monster. And he’s hidden in mummy’s wardrobe.”
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door.
Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
“Twenty years, you’ve been my friend,” bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, “And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy.”
The old man says to the woman
A boy asked his father a question
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11.
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
“How did everything go?” her mom asked.
“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time.
But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language.
Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words.
You’ve got to come get me and take me home Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset….
Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”
Jean was out walking with grandfather
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
“How did everything go?” her mom asked.
“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time.
But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language.
Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words.
You’ve got to come get me and take me home Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset….
Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”
Jean was out walking with grandfather
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
12.
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
A car driven by an Englishman
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
A car driven by an Englishman
13.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off.
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
An elderly couple had dinner at another
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off.
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
An elderly couple had dinner at another
14.
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
15.
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
16.
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.
“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”
“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”
A blonde was hard up for money
This elderly couple is watching television
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.
“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”
“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”
A blonde was hard up for money
This elderly couple is watching television
17.
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge:
He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:
Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man in Louisiana
A armed robber
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge:
He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:
Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man in Louisiana
A armed robber
18.
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
19.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
20.
An elderly man goes into a night house and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman.
“Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Jack goes to the doctor
An elderly man goes into a night house and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman.
“Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Jack goes to the doctor
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21.
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
22.
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
23.
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
24.
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
25.
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying, “Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled, “Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying, “That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying, “What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
A man tells his doctor
A biker walks into front door of a bar
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying, “Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled, “Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying, “That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying, “What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
A man tells his doctor
A biker walks into front door of a bar
26.
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
27.
A wife was in bed with her lover.
When she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said.
“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.
Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.
One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
A sweet old lady is making lunch
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
A wife was in bed with her lover.
When she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said.
“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.
Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.
One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
A sweet old lady is making lunch
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
28.
A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt.
She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt.
The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her elbow and it hurt.
She touched her calf and it hurt.
The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
“That’s why!!!!!!!!”
“Your finger is broken!”
A policeman stops a lady
After 25 years of marriage
A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt.
She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt.
The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her elbow and it hurt.
She touched her calf and it hurt.
The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
“That’s why!!!!!!!!”
“Your finger is broken!”
A policeman stops a lady
After 25 years of marriage
29.
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
30.
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk