Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road To Steal These Hilarious Jokes 04

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is lovemaking the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
A farmer and his wife were laying
Jimmy got home early from school

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.”
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!”
Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!”
She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!”
She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!”
The doctor laughed and said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken finger.”
A lady is working at old people home
A doctor had just finished a marathon

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim

Bob goes to see his friend Pete.
He finds Pete in his barn dancing undressed around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says,
“My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing nice to a tractor.”
A woman awakes during the night
Brian proposed to Jill

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised

My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up

Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road.
The first man was setting up for his swing, when a funeral procession went by on the road.
He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by.
Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green.
As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.”
The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”
A old lady was walking her dog
The phone rang and a little boy answered

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers

10.

Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico