1.
A farm labourer with a sick wife, asked a Buddhist monk to say a series of prayers.
The priest began to pray, asking God to cure all those who were ill “Just a moment,” said the farm labourer.
“I asked you to pray for my wife and there you are praying for everyone who’s ill.”
“I’m praying for her too.”
“Yes, but you’re praying for everyone you might end up helping my neighbour, who’s also ill, and I don’t even like him.”
“You understand nothing about healing,” said the monk, moving off.
“By praying for everyone, I am adding my prayers to those of the millions of people who are also praying for their sick.”
“Added together, those voices reach God and benefit everyone separately, they lose their strength and go nowhere.”
The Bartender Is Impressed
She called in a repairman
A farm labourer with a sick wife, asked a Buddhist monk to say a series of prayers.
The priest began to pray, asking God to cure all those who were ill “Just a moment,” said the farm labourer.
“I asked you to pray for my wife and there you are praying for everyone who’s ill.”
“I’m praying for her too.”
“Yes, but you’re praying for everyone you might end up helping my neighbour, who’s also ill, and I don’t even like him.”
“You understand nothing about healing,” said the monk, moving off.
“By praying for everyone, I am adding my prayers to those of the millions of people who are also praying for their sick.”
“Added together, those voices reach God and benefit everyone separately, they lose their strength and go nowhere.”
The Bartender Is Impressed
She called in a repairman
2.
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
3.
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Two men got out of their cars after they collided
After Brian proposed to Jill
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Two men got out of their cars after they collided
After Brian proposed to Jill
4.
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
5.
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar, suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her after a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like, anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
She replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”
A Man Lost At Sea Is Found On An Island
A horse and a goat
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar, suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her after a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like, anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
She replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”
A Man Lost At Sea Is Found On An Island
A horse and a goat
6.
During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.
So the teacher asks, “Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”
And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand.
“The flu is very contagious.”
“Very good, Melissa.”
“Can anyone else give us another sentence?” The teacher asks.
Another little boy in the front.
“It is good to cover you mouth when you sneeze because germs are contagious.”
“Very good, Brad” says the teacher.
She then turns her attention to the Irish exchange student who is definitely the shy one of the bunch.
“Finn? Can you think of one?”
Finn thinks for a moment.
“Well, my father used to always laugh at the old neighbor because he would always try to paint the fence with a toothbrush.”
The teacher and I were both puzzled.
“I’m not really sure what that has to do with our word contagious.”
Finn shrugs and with his magnificent Irish accent replies,
“Well, I just know that my father would always say that, It was going to take the contagious”
A magic fairy
A certain king of Spain
During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.
So the teacher asks, “Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”
And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand.
“The flu is very contagious.”
“Very good, Melissa.”
“Can anyone else give us another sentence?” The teacher asks.
Another little boy in the front.
“It is good to cover you mouth when you sneeze because germs are contagious.”
“Very good, Brad” says the teacher.
She then turns her attention to the Irish exchange student who is definitely the shy one of the bunch.
“Finn? Can you think of one?”
Finn thinks for a moment.
“Well, my father used to always laugh at the old neighbor because he would always try to paint the fence with a toothbrush.”
The teacher and I were both puzzled.
“I’m not really sure what that has to do with our word contagious.”
Finn shrugs and with his magnificent Irish accent replies,
“Well, I just know that my father would always say that, It was going to take the contagious”
A magic fairy
A certain king of Spain
7.
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
8.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you.
I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
A man escapes from prison
A little old lady was walking street
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you.
I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
A man escapes from prison
A little old lady was walking street
9.
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
10.
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a undressed women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him.
The boy asked “Why did u run away?”
The other said “My mom told me if i saw a undressed women i’d turn to stone,
i already felt something getting getting hard.
Anant went to his friend’s house
There are 4 guys standing
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a undressed women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him.
The boy asked “Why did u run away?”
The other said “My mom told me if i saw a undressed women i’d turn to stone,
i already felt something getting getting hard.
Anant went to his friend’s house
There are 4 guys standing
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11.
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
12.
A woman had twin boys
Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption.
She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.
Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain.
Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.
She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain!
Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt.
Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.
She still got to see her son from Spain, though.
So her husband tried to console her, saying “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”
A woman goes into a store
So my mom decided to sell her house
A woman had twin boys
Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption.
She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.
Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain.
Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.
She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain!
Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt.
Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.
She still got to see her son from Spain, though.
So her husband tried to console her, saying “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”
A woman goes into a store
So my mom decided to sell her house
13.
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
14.
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
15.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son
16.
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, your husband has a very sensitive heart.
I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
John Watching the tv
Harry was sick and tired
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, your husband has a very sensitive heart.
I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
John Watching the tv
Harry was sick and tired
17.
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.
Once he’s arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says, “Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!”
The old rooster says, “C’mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We’ll stay in the back?”
The new rooster is adamant “No way! All the hens are mine!”.
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he’ll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn’t in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him.
He is so close to beating him.
He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That’s when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
“Damn! Third gay rooster this week!”
A lady goes into the butcher shop
A philosopher was strolling through
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.
Once he’s arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says, “Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!”
The old rooster says, “C’mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We’ll stay in the back?”
The new rooster is adamant “No way! All the hens are mine!”.
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he’ll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn’t in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him.
He is so close to beating him.
He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That’s when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
“Damn! Third gay rooster this week!”
A lady goes into the butcher shop
A philosopher was strolling through
18.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
19.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
20.
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
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21.
An old Italian man goes to church for confession, he starts “Father forgive me for I have sinned.
During the war I hid a young Jewish girl in my cellar”.
“That was a wonderful thing you did and needs no forgiveness”, Said the priest.
“That’s not all, we struck up a romantic relationship, we made love everyday and sometimes twice on Sundays”.
The priest thought for a while then said
“Those were difficult times, and things happen that otherwise wouldn’t, you are forgiven my son”.
The old man starts to leave , then turns and says “Should I tell her the wars over?”
The Doctor
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
An old Italian man goes to church for confession, he starts “Father forgive me for I have sinned.
During the war I hid a young Jewish girl in my cellar”.
“That was a wonderful thing you did and needs no forgiveness”, Said the priest.
“That’s not all, we struck up a romantic relationship, we made love everyday and sometimes twice on Sundays”.
The priest thought for a while then said
“Those were difficult times, and things happen that otherwise wouldn’t, you are forgiven my son”.
The old man starts to leave , then turns and says “Should I tell her the wars over?”
The Doctor
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
22.
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
23.
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
24.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
25.
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this, the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this, the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
26.
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
27.
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
28.
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.
“Fortunately” he continued, “this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000”
“Why is the male brain so expensive?” asked the patient.
“Oh, that’s easy, male brains are hardly used.”
A school teacher asked her students
Three nuns were talking
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.
“Fortunately” he continued, “this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000”
“Why is the male brain so expensive?” asked the patient.
“Oh, that’s easy, male brains are hardly used.”
A school teacher asked her students
Three nuns were talking
29.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
30.
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
“Please come quickly,” she yelled,
“I just saw a pant less man outside my window!”
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.
“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.
“And how do you know he’s undressed, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady.
“Try standing on the dresser!”
A man went to his doctor and asked
Two elderly ladies are sitting
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
“Please come quickly,” she yelled,
“I just saw a pant less man outside my window!”
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.
“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.
“And how do you know he’s undressed, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady.
“Try standing on the dresser!”
A man went to his doctor and asked
Two elderly ladies are sitting