1.
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
2.
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Frank always looked on the bright side
A young blonde visiting her doctor
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Frank always looked on the bright side
A young blonde visiting her doctor
3.
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
4.
Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him.
“Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.
“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?”
“Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”
The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.
Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Susie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Harry was working at a construction site
Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him.
“Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.
“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?”
“Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”
The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.
Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Susie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Harry was working at a construction site
5.
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”
“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
The man checked his speed legged chicken
The trooper walks up
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”
“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
The man checked his speed legged chicken
The trooper walks up
6.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
7.
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
8.
A married couple moves into to a new home.
After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”
“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”
“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband.
“Take care of these things yourself!”
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.
“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”
“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
She asked her mother to go out
A married couple moves into to a new home.
After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”
“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”
“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband.
“Take care of these things yourself!”
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.
“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”
“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
She asked her mother to go out
9.
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
10.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
📚 Recommended Posts
Dalai Lama Quotes 06Buddha Inspirational Quotes 04
They Stop At Gun Shop To Get All Funny
Comedy Carnival Jokes To Keep Good
A 98 Year Old Mother Superior From
11.
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
12.
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
13.
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
14.
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
15.
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining,
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!”
Two men at a bus stop
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining,
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!”
Two men at a bus stop
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
16.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a pure.”
“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but why?”
“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A blonde goes into a store
A old man going to confession
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a pure.”
“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but why?”
“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A blonde goes into a store
A old man going to confession
17.
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
18.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
19.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?”
A teacher asks a student
A lady calls the police to report
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?”
A teacher asks a student
A lady calls the police to report
20.
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife are in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife are in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
📚 Recommended Posts
A Violent Tropical Storm EnvelopedDoctor And Lawyer In Two Cars Collided
Witty Wonders Funniest Jokes For Smart
A Young Lady Came Home From Funny Jokes
Unforgettable Love Quotes For Every
21.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
22.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print so romantic we felt like newlyweds again I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry-We’ll definitely have a white Christmas no snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again
I don’t think that’s possible
Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night
The temperature dropped to -20
The cold makes everything
sparkle so
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again
I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way
I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
The local bar was so sure
The Pencil Maker
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print so romantic we felt like newlyweds again I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry-We’ll definitely have a white Christmas no snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again
I don’t think that’s possible
Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night
The temperature dropped to -20
The cold makes everything
sparkle so
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again
I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way
I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
The local bar was so sure
The Pencil Maker
23.
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.”
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender.
“But all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”
“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.”
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender.
“But all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
24.
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behavior minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher’s wisdom.
The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the same.
The teacher was a vegetarian, and so his disciple stopped eating meat and replaced it with a diet of vegetables and herbs.
The teacher was an austere man, and so the disciple decided to devote himself to self-sacrifice and started sleeping on a straw mattress.
After some time, the teacher noticed these changes in his disciple’s behavior and asked him why.
‘I am climbing the steps of initiation,’ came the reply.
‘The white of my clothes shows the simplicity of my search, the vegetarian food purifies my body, and the lack of comfort makes me think only of spiritual things.’
Smiling, the teacher took him to a field where a horse was grazing.
‘You have spent all this time looking outside yourself, which is what matters least,’ he said.
‘Do you see that creature there? He has white skin, eats only grass and sleeps in a stable on a straw bed.
Do you think he has the face of a saint or will one day become a real teacher?’
A elephant wandered into a forest
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behavior minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher’s wisdom.
The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the same.
The teacher was a vegetarian, and so his disciple stopped eating meat and replaced it with a diet of vegetables and herbs.
The teacher was an austere man, and so the disciple decided to devote himself to self-sacrifice and started sleeping on a straw mattress.
After some time, the teacher noticed these changes in his disciple’s behavior and asked him why.
‘I am climbing the steps of initiation,’ came the reply.
‘The white of my clothes shows the simplicity of my search, the vegetarian food purifies my body, and the lack of comfort makes me think only of spiritual things.’
Smiling, the teacher took him to a field where a horse was grazing.
‘You have spent all this time looking outside yourself, which is what matters least,’ he said.
‘Do you see that creature there? He has white skin, eats only grass and sleeps in a stable on a straw bed.
Do you think he has the face of a saint or will one day become a real teacher?’
A elephant wandered into a forest
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
25.
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A man lies on his deathbed
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A man lies on his deathbed
26.
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300
Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;
“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” “Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already…” “Ok then, give me the dead donkey”
“…What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” Asked Brathwaite.
“I’m going to raffle him.” Jonesey said calmly. “Are you mad?
You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!!” “I can’t? I will! I’m just not going to tell anyone he’s dead.”
One month later the two ran into each other.
“Jonesey!” Brathwaite exclaimed, “ What happened with your dead donkey boy?” Jonesey beamed,
“I raffled him off like I told you.
I sold 500 tickets at $5 dollars each and raked in $2,500! Brathwaite was shocked,
“…And no one complained about it being dead?”
“Only the guy who won, so I gave him back his $5.”
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300
Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;
“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” “Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already…” “Ok then, give me the dead donkey”
“…What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” Asked Brathwaite.
“I’m going to raffle him.” Jonesey said calmly. “Are you mad?
You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!!” “I can’t? I will! I’m just not going to tell anyone he’s dead.”
One month later the two ran into each other.
“Jonesey!” Brathwaite exclaimed, “ What happened with your dead donkey boy?” Jonesey beamed,
“I raffled him off like I told you.
I sold 500 tickets at $5 dollars each and raked in $2,500! Brathwaite was shocked,
“…And no one complained about it being dead?”
“Only the guy who won, so I gave him back his $5.”
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
27.
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe,
“Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?”
Abe replies, “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks,
“Are there any Mexican Jews?”
The waiter says,
“I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.”
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
“No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”
Abe isn’t satisfied and asks,
“Are you absolutely sure?”
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies,
“I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says,
“I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico Our people are scattered everywhere.”
The waiter returns and says,
“Senor, the head cook Manuel, he says there is no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you certain?” Abe asks again.
“I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter.
“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexico Jews.”
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe,
“Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?”
Abe replies, “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks,
“Are there any Mexican Jews?”
The waiter says,
“I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.”
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
“No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”
Abe isn’t satisfied and asks,
“Are you absolutely sure?”
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies,
“I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says,
“I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico Our people are scattered everywhere.”
The waiter returns and says,
“Senor, the head cook Manuel, he says there is no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you certain?” Abe asks again.
“I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter.
“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexico Jews.”
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
28.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
29.
After having won many archery contests, the town champion went to the Zen master.
I am the best of all, he said.
I didn’t study religion, never sought help from the monks, and succeeded in becoming the finest archer in the whole region.
I heard that, for a time, you were the best archer in the region, and ask you: Was it necessary to become a monk in order to learn to shoot?
No, replied the Zen master.
But the champion was not satisfied: He took an arrow, placed it in the bow, fired it and hit a cherry which was very far away.
Smiling, as if to say: “You might have saved your time, devoting yourself only to technique.” And he said:
I doubt whether you could do that without looking in the least bit worried, the master went inside, fetched his bow, and began to walk towards a nearby mountain.
On the way, there was an abyss which could only be crossed by an old bridge made of rotting rope, and which was almost collapsing.
The Zen master went to the middle of the bridge, took his bow and placed an arrow in it, then aimed at a tree on the far side of the precipice, and hit his target.
Now it is your turn.
He kindly told the young man, as he returned to firm ground.
Terrified as he gazed down at the abyss below his feet, the young man went to the spot and fired, but his arrow veered wide of the mark.
That is why the discipline of meditation was worthwhile concluded the master, when the young man returned to him.
“You may have great skill with the instrument you choose for your livelihood, but it us useless, if you cannot command the mind which uses that instrument.”
Here I was sitting at the bar
A lady goes into the butcher shop
After having won many archery contests, the town champion went to the Zen master.
I am the best of all, he said.
I didn’t study religion, never sought help from the monks, and succeeded in becoming the finest archer in the whole region.
I heard that, for a time, you were the best archer in the region, and ask you: Was it necessary to become a monk in order to learn to shoot?
No, replied the Zen master.
But the champion was not satisfied: He took an arrow, placed it in the bow, fired it and hit a cherry which was very far away.
Smiling, as if to say: “You might have saved your time, devoting yourself only to technique.” And he said:
I doubt whether you could do that without looking in the least bit worried, the master went inside, fetched his bow, and began to walk towards a nearby mountain.
On the way, there was an abyss which could only be crossed by an old bridge made of rotting rope, and which was almost collapsing.
The Zen master went to the middle of the bridge, took his bow and placed an arrow in it, then aimed at a tree on the far side of the precipice, and hit his target.
Now it is your turn.
He kindly told the young man, as he returned to firm ground.
Terrified as he gazed down at the abyss below his feet, the young man went to the spot and fired, but his arrow veered wide of the mark.
That is why the discipline of meditation was worthwhile concluded the master, when the young man returned to him.
“You may have great skill with the instrument you choose for your livelihood, but it us useless, if you cannot command the mind which uses that instrument.”
Here I was sitting at the bar
A lady goes into the butcher shop
30.
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells,
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A man walks into a bar one night
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells,
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A man walks into a bar one night